Q: This may be an awkward question, but I have a much higher sex drive than my husband. He never initiates, and we’ve been married for a while and we don’t have sex nearly as much as I’d like. We used to have sex all the time, but now it’s like he seems content to have almost a sexless marriage. When we do have sex sometimes he can’t even be aroused! I feel so worthless as a wife. Any advice???

A: This is actually quite common among marriages, but most people assume that the husband has the higher sex drive in the marriage. I have heard of so many women complain about the fact that their husbands and boyfriends don’t want sex. There can be many many reasons for that. One reason could be low testosterone. If he has low testosterone he may be tired a lot, and that could be due to a unhealthy diet, so if that is possibly the case, that can be talked about. Another could be porn addiction. Porn may seem harmless, but used too much (every day, multiple times a day, or hours on end) can actually create Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, and most men can be quite insecure and anxious about performance in the bedroom if they aren’t able to get aroused. So if your husband is struggling with a secret addiction to pornography, he may be avoiding sex as a way to avoid letting you know that he has fallen prey to that sort of thing even if porn has been something you both consented to within your relationship boundaries. Porn can reduce testosterone level after years of abuse, and that can also make the sex drive drop. I don’t know the details of your relationship but I always recommend open and honest communication. If you haven’t talked to him yet, let him know that you would like more sex and make it clear why you want more sex. Is it for emotional connection? Is it to feel more bonded? Is it to be able to please your husband? Maybe your husband wants to do things in the bedroom that he hasn’t expressed. Have you guys talked about sexual fantasies before? If not, maybe he feels hesitant with sex because he feels embarressed about his sexual desires? These are the kinds of questions to address.

If your husband truly has a lower sex drive based on his biology, then lots of experts recommend that the lower sex drive person attempt to meet half way with the higher sex drive person. If you guys can compromise on sex maybe 2-3 times a week and that satisfies you both, then that’s a great way to handle it. If you want sex more, and he doesn’t even want sex once a week, then that can be more of a problem. At the end of the day, you can take care of yourself if your husband isn’t able to meet your sexual needs. Professional help also can aid in getting through a rough patch, and given that sex is the one thing that makes a romantic relationship separate from other relationships, it’s worth addressing the issue.

XOXO Savvy

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  1. […] Mismatched sex drives are pretty common among couples. There is a stereotype of men have higher drives, but recently, women have been speaking out about how they have higher drives than their partners and feel strange about it. Often most couples get hurtand feel resentful towards the partner for either not having more sex or feeling pressured for sex. This is where compromise is key. Compromise is a skill that is necessary for any relationship to survive, and when it comes to sex drive, compromises are essential. For instance, the person with the higher sex drive might feel unloved because their SO won’t or doesn’t seem interested in having sex with them. The lower sex drive person may feel annoyed and pressured by their higher drive SO for wanting sex all the time. Sometimes the higher drive person desires sex every day or every other day but is willing to compromise to three times a week. The lower drive SO sometimes only wants sex once a month but is willing to have sex three times a month. Conversations about sex drives are important to be had, and each partner should have their needs and desires heard. […]

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