As most women do when talking, eventually, as friends, the subject of sex comes around. Right? Cuz it’s the most fun to talk about anyway. Whether it’s about our spouses or about who finally did who on the latest prime time TV show everyone is following, sex is just fascinating to practically everyone. Women love to read about it… Men love to watch porn, but it’s really a wonder to me, personally, why so many people aren’t actually having sex.
We as a species are still enamored by it thousands of years into evolution… Why the halt in physically participating? When did we all switch to voyeurs?
I know many couples whose sex lives look something like once a week to once a month or less. It’s basically the same story. For everyone. All. The. Time. “I’m too busy”, “we aren’t connected anymore”, “too tired”, and “they don’t want to.” Oh, my goodness!
Let’s break this down. Busyness is the number one reason for people not doing it. Guess what? If you are too busy for them… They aren’t too busy for porn or an affair. You think I’m joking? Last year – 56% of divorces cited chronic porn use was a reason for the end of their marriages. I bet it was higher and that’s what we call “inconsolable differences.” If you have porn in your relationship, you are focusing that sexual energy on a screen and not your spouse. It can make you feel “not connected.”
Lots of things can make you feel Not Connected, like not listening to your spouse. As a rape survivor, I know about a not listening partner. If I say, “this is making me uncomfortable,” and I get laughed at, I don’t want to be having sex with that person again. Lucky me, my husband hasn’t been like my other sexual partners. You want open communication in the bedroom… Part of the sexual communication is Outside the bedroom too. You have to be able to talk about anything from lighting a candle to a new sex position. Nobody wants someone to just stick a finger in a “place” they didn’t give a “go ahead” … *wink* If you know what I mean.
I get it, busy schedules, kids, husband not listening or taking too long in the bathroom and work was difficult on him or on you. Tons of daily things can make you feel “too tired,” can make them “too tired” or “not want to have sex.” Maybe you feel constantly rejected or are the angry spouse.
Life has just gotten not fair. Life wasn’t fair for me… Either. My husband was the “too tired husband” and I felt unloved. Everyday. So, know that as I write this, I know all of these excuses. And that is exactly what they are… Excuses. Excuses not to be Close.
This is what I and my husband came up with, and at first… It sucked. We decided to have sex every day. Why? Because he is my husband and I am his wife – This is the way ONLY we can be together that is ‘unique’ that we do not share with anyone else. This is something only I share with him and only he for me. The way it’s supposed to be. No porn, nobody else. Or at least… It’s Supposed to be.
And somedays? Some days we really don’t want to. Some days he works 15 hours and we know we only have 4 hours of sleep with the kids… After dinner and the school function that night. Do we still do it? Yes. We don’t Welch on our pack. We make the time.
Making time for your spouse IS important. When we are fighting, when communication is horrible, when I hate his mom, when he’s had a bad day at work, when the kids are being monsters to us, we still make the time! You don’t use other things as excuses to stay away from your spouse. I choose every day to reconnect. Honestly? I think my marriage has been a lot better for it.
Cliff and I talk a lot more. He shares more feelings, and he listens to me more. He answers my emotional calls and I’m not nearly as stressed because of the kids because I feel like he’s being more reliable. I’m done being on the sidelines of sex. It wasn’t all going to be sunshine and puppies. If I want to do something in bed, I talk about it. If he wants to have novelty, he reaches towards me, his spouse. If I want to cuddle up with karezza and be close, we now have this intimate affair together. That’s just us. It took a while for us to get into a groove and not every night is fireworks. Sometimes it’s just, what it is.
Other nights though… Sometimes it’s just me to him, or him to me. It’s not always Typical. I’m glad over coffee, I have every single night of him. It’s nice to be walking by him in the kitchen this morning and see him smile so big at me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling you to have sex with your spouse. There is nothing wrong with having sex every day or once a year. There is nothing wrong with having sex with multiple people, as long as you are being honest and healthy as to keep yourself safe. (If you are in a relationship, please be honest with all parties.) There is Nothing wrong with you if you dislike sex either or don’t want to have this much sex.
Sex that’s not consensual is NOT okay, even if it’s your spouse.
Cliff and I have had communication with each other and made this decision together. Couples that don’t talk or aren’t open sexually might not be open to such an arrangement. So, no matter what your sex schedule or sexual needs are, you should be talking with your partner if you desire a sexual change. If communication is tricky, reach towards them in their love language.
Have you smiled at your spouse today? Are you reaching your sexual exergy towards your partner? How can you change this in a positive way? When we wanted a change in our lives, we sat down for a cup of tea after the kids went to bed and just talked openly about our wants and how we saw it going. It wasn’t the smoothest conversation. It was, however, the most productive conversation we have ever had for our marriage.
When the sex is right… All the fighting about money and mothers in laws and everything else (see who pooped in the tub this week – my kids aren’t little either) … Is A LOT less stressful, and ALOT more hilarious.